Weekly summaries of our group's Wednesday night Catan games

The winter standings (in wins; point totals to come soon):

(1) *Steve: 5 (2) *Pat: 4 (3) *Kristen: 3 (4) *Scott: 3 (5) Kim: 2** (6) *Kathryn: 2 (7) Kevin: 0

*Denotes status as a regular

**Two point win

In last week's entry, I wondered (darkly) about the effects of playing Catan at the same rate and in the same obsessive manner with which Derek Jeter has played baseball. Then I watched Sunday night's episode of "True Detective," a real-life example of what happens when a person dedicates his or her life to one issue. Except we don't yet know if Rusty aka Crash (played by Matt McConaughey) has ruined himself in his underground pursuit of the Yellow King (a la Kevin Bacon in "The Following"), is channeling the full reaches of his vast investigative and undercover potential, or is YK himself, as the officers following his case suspect (highly unlikely, FYI). Just as "True Detective" plays with time -- the past and the present -- so will I in this entry, instead using the present and the future for all seven official players. In order of the standings, below is where they'll be, how they got there, and where they'll be going after eight consecutive 162-game Catan seasons (which is really 324 as every "game" is a double header) in addition to tournaments and other appearances. Like Rusty, they'll experience the highs, the lows, and the absurd in their quest for Settlers perfection.

Steve and Kim

Ages: 37, 33

Current Catan Involvement: Mild

The Highs and the Absurd: In a game full of sexual innuendos (e.g. "I have wood") but missing a symbol, Steve, after placing a then career best 110th in the 2016 Catan World Championships in Germany despite (though some would argue because of) competitor complaints that his flat brim hat violated dress code policy and his endless string of NFL zip-ups was a brash display of "American-ism," was riding topless (hot after a handball game) in his coverless BMW one summer day when a photographer hired by one of his rivals snapped his picture, added the caption "Settle Down, Steve Beecard," and submitted it to the largest Settlers website in Germany -- in the hopes of embarassing him among the community. But it had the opposite effect. Like calling monopoly on wheat late in the game when there's none left to pick up, the meme affected every body; it went viral. Steve became the game's first hint that certain activities took place involving frequent Catan players. Quickly, the paparazzi discovered his girlfriend, Kim Jones, formerly Lutie (she changed her name to avoid the press, realized it conflicted with a Yankees reporter, found out she was actually now more famous than that Yankees reporter, and decided to keep it). Realizing he couldn't fulfill his newfound role and maintain his relationship status, Steve was able to re-brand himself as the game's "gentleman rebel." His wardrobe kept its theme. He currently designs the NFL's "gentleman rebel" line.

The lows: Though Steve played at least 100 sessions every season over the last eight years, he never played more than 150, leading to a nickname he grew to despise, "catcher." His high status kept him busy. He alternated between calling Catan "his only time to relax" and a "chore." Still, his skills progressed, culminating with a top-100 finish at the 2018 world games (held in Prague). But he missed out on qualifying for the 2020 games, hosted by the United States for the first time (Scottsdale, AZ). Today, he talks frequently of returning to the game that made him his fortune, to which one fan site wrote, "the man's more likely to design a sheep-skin NFL jumpsuit than use one in building a settlement or buying a development card. Smh."

Pat

Age: 34

Current Catan Involvement: Approved times.

The Highs and the Absurd: A newsman would find Pat's the most interesting story of the regulars, for it involves a number one ranking, a world championship, jail time, and a new claim to fame. At the monumental 2018 games (in which all seven Long Island players placed in the top 150, to dubious means), Pat won the world title after his opponent, a Russian teenager, was disqualified for placing his yellow victory cards outside the designated area. Fueled by those who questioned the legitimacy of his title, Pat had the best 2019 season of all time. In the year's final game, against the now 20 year old Russian and four others, they played to the first draw in championship game history: the board was interlocked in such a way that players couldn't build, and the yellow cards had run out. Pat wasn't satisfied, but called the subsequent after-party the best of his life.

The lows: Throughout the 2019 season, Pat, like the other six homegrown players, had been under heavy investigation for his role in the 2018 championship. The group had been accused of rigging table positions to play together (top two advance in the early rounds) and engaging in underhanded techniques when they were. After originally denying it, Pat calculated that he could miss the entire 2020 season and still remain in the top ten of the rankings, so he took the fall -- with the condition that he could still play with the regulars as part of a "play-release" program. The judge agreed, but added a second year when Pat returned to his jail cell late for the third time in a month following an unauthorized game of spades.

The redemption: Pat is credited with bringing Settlers of Catan to the penal system. Though fewer murders are happening overall in prison, the ones that do occur typically follow a Catan session. Pat's projected to be ranked 87th in the world when he's released.

Kristen

Age: 34

Current Catan Involvement: Teacher

The Highs and the Absurd: Kristen will tell you her best moment in the eight years of nearly non-stop Catan was giving birth to a son, Klaus, in 2019 (conceived right around Pat's 2018 world title). Like the rest of the group, her best season was 2018, when she bowed out with 99 contestants remaining because she liked the number and wanted to coach a young German girl she took a liking to instead. That moment changed her life. Though only three other people in the world can afford to list their full time profession as "Settlers of Catan Coach," Kristen is still the most highly regarded, even if she now advises only one person on the planet, three year-old Klaus. For every milestone (e.g. talking, walking), Kristen marks the time and date on a "development card" posted to his wall.

The lows: Kristen fought a losing battle when she agreed to manage the marketing campaign for a new sheep milk company. They wanted her to make a play on Catan sheep and real sheep, but she was conflicted, for she knew it was the weakest resource of all. For the average Catan player, her eventual pitch was convoluted; for the expert player, it was pure brilliance. But the ad tanked and Kristen lost the contract.

Scott

Age: 33

Current Catan Involvement: Resource-constrained

The Highs and the Absurd: Wanting to bring the joys of Catan to everyone in the world, Scott started the non-profit, "Catan for America" in 2017. In order to maintain his busy travel schedule and his Catan routine, he played with the regulars in the summer and spring, while teaching the game to underprivileged children around the globe during the other seasons. An independent study found that kids who could play Catan -- and play to the detail emphasized by "Catan for America's" staff (with a strong UPenn pipeline) -- demonstrated improvements in all other areas of their lives.

The lows: Scott was sued by Mayfair Games and the Settlers of Catan for attempting to create an offshoot game with similar but different rules in order to "keep his Catan for America children on their toes," as he stated in the deposition. With the help of his lawyer, Kathryn, he was forced into the decision: keep your game and renounce the name "Catan" from your non-profit, or lose the game and keep the name. He kept the name, but continues to explore the development of other board games, with no luck yet.

Kathryn

Age: 35

Current Catan Involvement: Administrative

The Highs and the Absurd: Early in 2016, Kathryn developed an algorithm, which she converted into an app, calculating the probability of winning a Catan game following every single move. After it helped her win seven straight games, her fellow regulars sniffed her out when they asked her why she hovered over possible settlement locations, checked her cell phone, and then either made a decision or performed the same move elsewhere. Deciding between destroying the machine, using it in the next world championships, or pitching it to "Shark Tank," the group instead employed it in training sessions until they became so good they didn't need it anymore. Today, it rests in safety deposit box 1995 (for the year Catan was created) at an undisclosed bank.

The lows: Kathryn caught a wave of bad press for successfully defending the group in their numerous scandals (Scott for his trademarking violations and the group as a whole for their maneuvers in the 2018 championship). She was forced to move from the public sphere into private practice, specializing in board game-related litigation (but of course being versatile in all fields).

Kevin

Age: 31

Current Catan Involvement: Heavy

The Highs and the Absurd: Following his graduation in 2014, Kevin couldn't find a solid Catan group in Wisconsin, where his first job awaited, and thus maintained a weekly flight to Bethpage every Wednesday night (where we would play three games out of respect). It paid off, for he didn't have much to do during the plane ride other than work and/or think about Catan. He continued this schedule for years, leaving many to wonder of his true potential should he ever commit to the game full time. When Pat was jailed in 2019, he finally went mainstream, finishing in the top 10 the next three years. Pundits shiver with delight when they imagine the 2023 season, the first one featuring Pat and a fully invested Kevin.

The Lows: His last year of graduate school, Kevin, who'd been playing Catan with his college friends at the same torrid pace we were playing in Bethpage, started mixing Catan, reality, and academics. He attempted to re-create "wheat, brick, rock, and sheep," in the laboratory, the last of which is unethical. For his graduate thesis, he valiantly argued that wheat was the most valuable of the resources, to which his faculty advisor replied, "So?"